Dealing with Family, Friends, and the Outside World
By Linda Gelda, LICSW

You don’t need me to tell you that infertility is remarkably isolating and frustrating. It is leading the double life of pretending everything is fine, yet suffering inside. It is tolerating the helplessness and frustration of not finishing what you have started and of not fitting in, increasingly, over time.  It is the roller coaster of feeling hopeful and then deeply disappointed. It is living with the uncertainty of not being able to plan for your future – short term and long term. It is living with the transformation of some important relationships.

It is bad enough living with the uncertainty of infertility, never mind the double whammy of having to deal with friends, family, work, and the outside world. So, there is the trauma of infertility and then the added burden of dealing with the outside world in response to your infertility. But through it all, it is important to remember and be reminded that although infertility is remarkably isolating and painful, it is survivable. 

Some Reasons the “Outside World” is Difficult

When dealing with the insensitivity of the outside world, it is helpful to remember some of the reasons people act the way they do and say offensive or hurtful things. Some basic points to keep in mind:

• For most medical crises, people call and bring dinner and offer sympathy. In the case of infertility, other people, if they know, either retreat because the topic is uncomfortable and embarrassing, or they offer unwanted advice.  Instead of providing comfort and at times concrete help, they share their solution to your problem. They often talk rather than listen to how you are, and they don’t usually ask, “What would be most helpful to you?” 
• With infertility, there is a tremendous amount of assuming. Even those who have been through infertility may offer advice. They share what worked for them with the intent of offering hope, but may disregard the inherent differences in your situations. They may not simply inquire, “How are you, how can I be helpful, do you want to talk?” 
• Unless people are remarkably gifted or professionally trained, many people have a hard time listening to other people’s pain. Generally, people are allergic to negative, painful affect (emotional state).
• Usually, a negative and painful affect stirs a sense of helplessness and powerlessness in the listener, and then they say ridiculous things or react in insensitive ways – either under- or over-doing it.
• A sense of powerlessness and helplessness also makes people want to “fix” the problem, so they make absurd suggestions such as, “Just relax and go on vacation.”

Developing Strategies for Responding

Developing tools and strategies for dealing with the outside world is crucial. This will provide scaffolding, so that over time you will build a repertoire of responses.

The first step in this process is to assess what works best for you. Do you want to talk to people, and if so, to whom and about what aspects? What’s helpful to you and what’s not? This is not a simple question because needs and wishes change, sometimes from moment to moment, depending on lots of factors.

Learn more from Linda Gelda, LICSW, on July 21, 2009 from 7:00 - 9:00 p.m., when she presents our evening program, Strategies for Coping with Infertility.